jblum: Wake-up Call

jblum (

jblum) wrote,
@ 2008-04-25 11:24:00

Wake-up Call
Wow, that's the first time in as long as I can remember that I've woken up crying from a stress dream.

I found a posting months ago where I said my pattern was that things were going well, I didn't post, but when they were going badly I bemoaned my fate at length. Well, that's done a complete bit-flip lately -- now I haven't been talking because things have gotten so miserable that I can't even seem to have a moan, because (A) I don't seem to have the focus to articulate my thoughts, and (B) I'm convinced everything I'm feeling is utterly boring and repetitive anyway.

But I'm really having a hard time coping at the moment, with Kate's illness and all the ordinary grown-up stuff, and trying to feel like anyone thinks I'm worth looking after or paying attention to. Not that I feel people are being malicious towards me, just oblivious or disinterested. And the silence about how bad things have been has made that a nice little vicious circle, I suppose...

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qthewetsprocket
2008-04-25 03:18 am UTC (link)

i certainly hope you don't feel like people think you're worthless - apart from all the evidence i've seen to the contrary, if that were really true, then you'd have some pretty miserable friends!

i think it may just be that your friends aren't certain how to be helpful when you feel like this, particularly those of us who only know you on the internet. and especially since the problem seems to be recurring...if people have already posted you some 'cheer up, we think you're swell!' comments in the past, they might not know what else to say when the problem happens again for fear of seeming repetitious...or they might just not want to say, 'i'm sorry you feel bad' for fear of sounding dull or trite. (unfortunately nuance is everything in communication, and most nuance is lost in the internet's all-text format).

also, to a lesser degree, the internet is a very response-oriented creature - people tend to reply to whatever posts you make, instead of sending you a 'hey, guess what - i think you're special' pick-me-up out of the clear blue sky. so the fact that you've not been posting much recently probably does contribute to the cycle, yes.

also, keep in mind - i don't think any of us ever tell our friends and loved ones how much we value them and how really cool they are, at least not often enough. that's why whenever someone dies, our first thought is always, 'i wish i'd told them how much they meant to me'. so it's a pretty common human trait.

anyway, giving your 'net friends a tangible way to help cheer you up is a good idea too: 'i'm feeling icky, folks - send me pictures that go along with your favorite beatles songs and i'll try to guess them!' that way they can do something proactive and helpful without running the risk of sounding unoriginal, or not knowing what to say.

and at the risk of sounding trite, i do think you're special, and i am sorry you're feeling bad. here's hoping that this too shall pass.

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jblum
2008-04-25 04:03 am UTC (link)

anyway, giving your 'net friends a tangible way to help cheer you up is a good idea too

Very good point -- I always flinch from that because it feels too much like a demand for a cookie, but it's a lot better than being vague!

I'd love to say more (and give general random hugs to all concerned), but Kate's getting me out of the house at last, so I'll have to get back to it!

(Reply to this)(Parent)

megthelegend
2008-04-25 05:01 am UTC (link)

Gahhhhhhhhh. I've been there. :( It's really easy to get caught up in that fug, isn't it, where you don't feel like posting, don't feel like writing, don't feel like doing anything, and you just sort of gloom around feeling lethargic and limboish.

It's really, really good that you've made this post, Jon.

I don't pretend to know you or anything, but I know some of what you've written about above. I know what it's like. And it's really good that you've clawed yourself out of the fug, even if it's just temporarily, to write something.

You ARE worth looking after. You ARE worth paying attention to. Most definitely.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	jblum 2008-04-25 03:11 pm UTC (link)
	Thanks... between you lot and Kate, I'm definitely feeling a bit more looked-after than I have been. :-) Now I just hope I can pull my thoughts into focus and carry on a proper conversation tomorrow... (Reply to this)(Parent)

	ashamel 2008-04-25 06:42 am UTC (link)
	We must get together and hang out some more. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	jblum 2008-04-25 03:09 pm UTC (link)
	Indeed! Don't suppose you're free on May 10th? (Reply to this)(Parent)

murasaki_1966
2008-04-25 09:48 am UTC (link)

Hang in there mate. I know you have the strength to survive. Because if you don't, then I don't have the strength to survive the horror that my work has turned into. I wake up crying at nights, so I know some of what you feel. You are a good man, a great husband (very few would have lasted the distance like you have) and an excellent writer.

"Westward look, the land is bright".

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	jblum 2008-04-25 03:09 pm UTC (link)
	Well, I haven't been much of anything these past couple of weeks, but I think I will be again. Thanks... (Reply to this)(Parent)

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